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A Wild Horse Named Anxiety



Every day I wake up

Already on her back

Strapped in the saddle

Feet off the ground,

Hands on reins

along for the ride


She runs to every height and every depth

She moves fast

Nearly throwing me off

She chases danger

Choosing her own terrain


I stay in the saddle

an adventure i can’t say no to

something good is just around the corner

I have to stay on her back long enough

to figure it out

To see where she’s taking me


I know there's a meadow somewhere

I know there's a Weeping Willow we could rest under

She doesn’t seem to find it

She doesn’t even seem to be looking


I grip the reins

But there’s no controlling her

Not really

She's a wild one

Hellbent on her ups, her downs

A road i’m not sure i should be on

But i woke up in her saddle,

so i carry on


I don’t know if she's trying to kill me

or make me feel more alive

My heart beats faster

Palms sweatier

She mesmerizes me

the fear; It’s addicting


Galloping to all edges

Turning sharply

Dirt flying

Rocks falling

Then full speed back into the forest

She has to be tired

But she never stops



The longer i ride,

The harder it is to get off

We never arrive anywhere

There’s no destination

And so it is

That I start remembering

That i have to remember again today

That this happened yesterday

And the day before


And that the only way out is not through

Not with this one

She just runs

from chaos to more chaos

With all of the trauma in her brain

That screams at her to keep moving

To keep going

And never stop


She will never be still

Unless I make her still

There's no reward for the turmoil she puts me through

None

No

My place is on the ground


I close my eyes

I breathe

I gain courage

i tell her to sit down and shut up

I listen to my mouth utter my own words

She doesn’t even seem to hear them


I move bare feet out of leather stirrups

Balancing on her back, looking for anything plush to catch me

Then, I jump

Tumbling down to the ground

To sweet earth that keeps me still

solid ground that holds my own two feet


She’s already off running again

Looking beautiful from far away

Mystical

Enchanted

gazing back at me occasionally

I look, but

I let her go for the day

Free to run with other wild horses

She leaves me here

Unsaddled

Grounded


only after

I do my work in the field,

dream my dreams in the forest,

and write my thoughts down by the stream

does she ever come back as a still creature.

Only then does she ever remember

Who i am

And who she is

And That we have a silent agreement

That i need the ground and that she needs to run wild

without me


As the sun goes down

Under a painted sky

I light my incense

She comes back to the stream

drinks calmly

reflections ripple in the water

I watch her


I say goodnight

As we nod to the unspoken

I’m not sure if she chose me

I’m not sure if I chose her

But one thing is for sure

That tomorrow I’ll wake up

In a saddle

on her back

and have to tame us both all over again





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